23 (Somewhat) Shameful Things That Happen When You Live Alone

No roommate, no problems.

1. You rarely wear more than one layer below the waist.

Gotta feel that breeze between my knees.

2. Anywhere becomes a kitchen.

If I want to eat PB&J in bed, I’m gonna eat PB&J in bed.

3. The location of your laundry varies depending on your mood.

If you don’t have a chair where you dump all of your clothes that you wore for a hot second before deciding to wear something else, it’s because you don’t have a chair.

4. You boogie down to all the “horrible” music on your playlist.

In these four walls, there is no boy band that is off limits.

5. Artificially colored excuses for food are consumed in Costco-worthy quantities.

Nobody else is here to steal my Cheetos. But just in case… *eats entire bag in one sitting.*

6. You spend more time watching movies alone than you do socializing.

If I’m hanging out with my laptop and my Cheetos, it kind of equates to hanging out with one person. Right? RIGHT?

7. You spend an irrational amount of time thinking how long it would take for someone to notice your absence if you were murdered or slipped in the shower.

If you also work from home, the answer is probably “never.”

8. Your dirty dish situation occasionally gets out of control.

When you’re trying to eat cereal with a fork, it’s time to admit you have a problem.

9. Bodily functions are completed without reservations.

Holding in farts is for people with roommates and manners.

10. You do everything with the door wide open.

Taco dinner last night = I need as much ventilation in here as possible.

11. You don’t even worry about staying silent late at night.

Beep away, microwave. Beep away.

12. You watch your favorite “movies” with the volume turned on (and then promptly realize why you never did before).

No real human makes those noises during sex.

13. You lie to your friends about why you aren’t going out tonight.

My words said, “I don’t feel well,” but my sweatpants and ice cream say, “‘Game of Thrones’ isn’t going to watch itself.”

14. If you’re single, you mingle without any fear of roommate  judgment.

If he or she doesn’t care that you pee with the door open, they’re a keeper.

15. You watch all your favorite trashy TV shows without a single care as to how low your IQ is dropping.

Ah, the sweet sound of sizzling brain cells.

16. You are frequently at war with yourself.

WHO IS THE ASSWIPE WHO DIDN’T REFILL THE ICE TRA—oh, that would be me.

17. You strongly embrace the five-second rule.

You’re mad if you think I’m wasting a Cheez-It just because it fell on the floor.

18. You make up for the lack of company by having intense conversations with yourself.

“Did I leave my hair straightener on? No, I definitely remember turning it off. Maybe I should just go check to make sure. YOU DID LEAVE IT ON, YOU IDIOT, ARE YOU TRYING TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN?!”

19. You find creative ways to get rid of scary bugs

Massive house centipede on the wall? I knew I was keeping that Nerf gun around for something.

20. You bask in the glory of getting away with wearing the same outfit two days in a row.

Nobody needs to know that yesterday’s work outfit became tonight’s party outfit with just a simple change of shoes.

21. Talking on the phone turns into an arduous trek around your living quarters.

I called my mom from my room and somehow ended up sitting on my kitchen table twirling a butter knife like a baton.

22. Sometimes, your loneliness gets the better of you…

Was that a gecko that just ran across my floor? LET ME LOVE YOU.

23. But ultimately, you know that there’s no roommate worth giving up all this ~*~freedom~*~ for.


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