What if I spilled coffee into the keyboard? Is that bad?
Yes. The combination of electronics and liquid rarely results in anything positive. Please don’t yell at the computer.
Is this thing broken?
Odds are it’s just not turned on and not a faulty Macbook fresh off the factory line.
Can you see what I’m looking at?
No dad, I’m on the phone. I am not omnipresent like Santa Claus and therefore I cannot see what you’re looking at right now.
So how exactly do I get on Netflex?
Netflex is actually Netflix, not some sort of online bodybuilding parody site.
Why is the internet not working at all?
Well mom that’s because you typed in “WHERE ARE BAKERIES?” into a Word document and not into a web browser. Also why are you screaming about the location of nearby bakeries?
It says download here. Should I click download?
No, no, no, no, no. Please never, ever click download. You didn’t get hacked. You just clicked on every garbage app that popped up on your screen.
Did I tell you our computer has a virus?
Translation: Did I tell you I downloaded so many useless programs and opened them all at once that the computer that ran The Matrix couldn’t keep up with me? I’m going to assume it was a virus, though.
Is there a way to hook up my scanner to this thing?
Dad, no one has used a scanner in a decade. It doesn’t even have a USB port. It just has some loose wires that I have to hot wire to the laptop.
Why do I suddenly start getting all these pop-ups for porn?
Because when mom was gone you looked at a bunch of porn and also subscribed to their mailing list.
Are you sure my computer has a shift button? I don’t see it.
Yes mom, when I’m walking you through how to fix something I’m not making up new keys. I’m aware of what’s on your keyboard and I want this to be over much more as you do. Trust me.
How do I make this computer run faster?
Don’t buy one that costs $200 at the flea market?
Why is my email not working?
Did you set up your email?
That’s probably why your email isn’t working.
How do I make all of these pictures black and white?
Mom, please stop making every picture black and white. It’s not artsy or cool. Literally every photo you’ve printed for the last two years are in black and white. We look like we live in the first 45 minutes of Pleasantville.
Why can’t I log into my computer?
Is there a password?
“Yes. It’s asking for a password.”
What’s your password?
“I don’t remember.”
Do you like my new screensaver?
Every parent has changed their desktop wallpaper (which they all call a screensaver, for some reason) to a slightly outdated photo of you and your siblings that’s stretched out so much you can only see your torsos.
Can I talk to your Aunt Deb on here?
Yes, you and Aunt Deb can attempt to Skype, which will turn into both of you yelling, “Hello? Can you hear me? I can’t see you. Hello?” This will last for about 5-7 minutes and then you’ll think it’s disconnected and then say something insulting about her that she clearly hears.
Why can’t I print off these directions?
Well for starters you don’t own a printer, but why not just use one of the map apps I put on your phone instead of using a piece of paper like a sea captain?
Can you come look at this?